14 Steps For Totally Nailing The Trump Handshake

Rounding out this Memorial Day Weekend's Blogfest Spectacular are a few thoughts, an entire post even, on the infamous Trump Handshake.

Oh god.

Indeed, the obsession with something so benign and superficial is vomit-worthy. But try as I might, it was unavoidable. I felt it necessary to select a topic and stick with it. So Trump Handshake it is.

But why? Aren't there more important things a-brewing in the Geo-Politic? I mean, Jesus. Must we forever be inundated with such trivial, knee-jerk nonsense from every corner of the Flat-Earth?

Yes. Yes we must. Because, you see my children, every good narrative from the dawn of time begins with and revolves around body language. From Joseph of Arimathea to Alexander Great to Richard Nixon to George Pompeii to Hitler to Charlie Sheen, no good yarn can possibly be spun around a center with no actor; someone who understands the art of gesticulation enough to control the illusion in his, or her, favor.

What?

You must understand that body language is an essential aspect of world leadership. To be in that exclusive club, you must first and foremost be able to protect yourself from unwanted negativity. Perception is KEY to everything you do, and a cold, sweaty-palmed, wimpy exchange is no way to show your rivals that you're the boss.

Because you are.

No, really, you are. You are the boss. Your handshake is firm and strong and dominant and supremely masculine, much like your cologne. Unlike the stench of fake news, your handshake resembles the truth. The BEST truth possible. And NO ONE, not even The failing new york times, can take that away from you.

Asserting your supremacy in and of the moment is how you got here, Champ. They can say what they will, but you will never be convinced of anything less than your own special glow. You outshine everyone, tiger, and and we all know why.

The Handshake.

The Trump Handshake.

Those in the fake news media will "analyze" your handshake to death, and good for them. No, you know what? Fuck them. They know not the power of ketchup on an overdone steak.

You are and have always been The Boss.

Why must we spend time pouring over data and documents and information? Why we we ever exercise discretion when the moment "demands" it?

We must keep our colleagues, our sycophants and our acolytes (all losers) in an ever-traumatizing, alternating state of adoration and fear. Letting our guard down is not acceptable.

After all, we seem to be on some kind of really big stage here.

Steps for a good Trump Handshake include:

1. Being Super Awesome.

2. Being, like, two-feet taller than everyone in the room, because I am.

3. Having a History of Success. "You WANT a deal? I AM the DEAL."

4. Having Super Awesome, Large Big-Time Hands.

5. Stiff, Calculated Approach to Your Opponent/Loser, Phony Smile in Tow. (The Phonier, The Better).

6. Half-Hearted Arm Extension--Keep it close the chest, buddy. Make them come to you.

7. Thinking About Your Super-Huge, Tremendous Penis (And How Much You Love Minorities).

8.Strong, Robotic Grip. (Like the Terminator, only more bone-crushing).

9. Hold.

10. Hold.

11. Hold.

12. Look Deep In Their Eyes. Understand Nothing. Mistake the Awkwardness of the Situation for Fear of and Respect for Your Very Giant Penis.

13. Hold.

14. Hold.

15. Ok. You're a Man Again. Your Penis is Huge. Just Ask Melania. Let Go Slowly. Pat Fellow World Leader/Opponent/Loser on the Back.

16. Go Home and Tweet About Fake News Analysis.

Now that you know how to deliver the perfect Trump Handshake. you can try it at home! Be sure to stare at a picture of your father first. You want to be sure that you're making him sufficiently proud.


re ipsa loquitur,

BP

Next Time---Taking care of business...how deals are done when you're out of collateral and no one will lend money to you (except Russian Oligarchs, of course).



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