The Little "c" (or How to Write the Best Comments Online)
Let's face it.
The Internet is full of temptation.
And when a juicy article, think-piece or facebook post happens to roll into your digital periphery, grab your ever-discerning eye and get those wheels a-spin spin spinnin', how in the world could you possibly ignore the urge to make your thoughts public?
You saw something online, and you have an "opinion" on it. Now that you've hit the "Add Comment" button, you're ready to scratch that itch and give the Internet a piece of your mind.
But how?!? Where do you start? How do you offer a reaction that is truly stunning, that captures the reader's attention and makes an impression lasting for the next 10, 20 or even 30 seconds, maybe more??
If you're struggling to really strike a chord within the online comment community, and to trigger the vitriolic animus you truly deserve, follow these 5 easy steps:
1. Let the Headline Be Your Guide.
When you first spotted that provocative headline or catchy title scrolling past your thumb, as if to say "Hey you, dipshit! Fuck you, ya idiot!," you knew instantly how important it was to respond, and to do so before it was time to flush. You have something fresh, spicy and unrepentantly hateful to say, and you don't have much time before it escapes your mind 4ever.
When that not-so-rare opportunity arises, remember: Follow the Headline, Stupid! Wasting your time reading that ENTIRE 500 word article is exhausting, not to mention completely pointless. You won't understand it anyway! Besides. developing a well-formulated opinion based on the whole, and doing so considering the article's context, is well beyond your pay grade, particularly when you have a knee to get jerking NOW.
The Internet is about immediacy. Don't bother combing through an article that's probably loaded with flaws, bias and items that may affect or change your opinion in any way.
2. Develop an Angle.
Before writing your reaction, ask yourself: what angle do I want to take? For instance, if the headline centers on a celebrity, it may be a good idea to skew it with an anti-Hollywood bent. Begin your next comment with "Hollywood doesn't speak for..." or "So and so has so much money/fame/bad movies, who cares what she says about ANYTHING? She should keyp her mouth SHUT!"
If the headline revolves around a celebrity of a different color than yourself, maybe try the racist approach, something you can later deny as an anti-PC snowflake-triggering event (that's right! You were planning it all along! You don't have facist tendencies after all!). This is also quite cathartic for that inner racist you just can't seem to adequately release in public!
Whatever you're angle, make sure it's somewhat controversial, distasteful and doesn't touch on anything actually discussed in the article itself. Leave the thoughtful comments to the posers. After all, you don't want to look like a know-it-all, do you, ya PUSSAGINA NERD LIBTARD SNOWFLAKE HONEYPIE SANDWICH EATER??
3. Grammar Is For Suckers.
You're pretty sure you graduated high school, and grammar is SO beyond the pale, er uh pael, er, uh, whatever, who cares, AM I WRITE?/
You didn't need good grammar then, and you certainly don't need it now, what with the economy so great and everything. Remember, a "z" is certainly just as affective as an "ess", commas r for losers and capitalization sure didn't do you any justice back in geography class.
If you really want to get your point home, ignore all rules of written and verbal english. Those guyz are nazis anyway. No comment quite hits home as hard as that without punctuation or proper speling..
4. Stop, Drop and Roll Wit' It.
You almost completed a book on chemical warfare once, so roll with it. Sure it was only 30 pages, was heavily illustrated and involved superhero mutants, but hey, that shit's all based on something that really happened, or COULD happen, right? It's surely enough reason to claim, irrefutably, that you "KNOW WHAT THE HELL YOU'RE TALKIN' ABOUT, OK KID?"
Expertise is for smart-asses, and it tends to only get in the way of slapdash online commenting 101. Besides, your idiotic opinion still flies with your friends, and they're smart guys who always have your back...
Roll with it. If you think you know something about something, chances are good you have something well worth it to say in the online comments section. You're an authority. You're MORE than qualified. Don't hesitate to think it out or second guess yourself.
You KNOW that the terrorists are responsible, and now it's time to edumacate the Web-o-sphere on how best to wipe them out (Hint: it doesn't require a complex, comprehensive solution at all, man).
5. Rant Rant Rant Rant Rant Rant Rant Rant Rant rant
Nothing is quite as easy on the eyes, or as fun to read, as an unmitigated emotional diatribe located in the reply-to-comment section just beneath Comment #4. Don't be afraid to let your brain stem take control. The half-baked, expletive-laden rant is just what you need to establish your well-deserved online superiority.
We've all been there. Some smart ass thinks he's better than you, and is testing your resolve with that latest post. Well, you DON'T have to take it!
Get out yer guns and start blazin'! That typing board ain't gonna punch itself, now is it? Whenever you feel insulted or are made to feel the least bit insecure by a capricious online headline, comment or reply, the time to act is now. Something with no commas, periods or capitalizations, around 250-300 words, should more than suffice, and will definitely go a long way towards making an attempt at saying something that probably could have been a point but will instead just reflect how desperate for attention and a hug you really are as wel as to show you may be about to snap and start throwing staplers inthe ofice someday FUCK YOU I LUV THIS CUNTRY FRIGGIN RETARDS DON KNOW HOW MUCH IM GONNA FIND EM AND SHOW EM WAT MERICAA IS ABOUTU!
The End!
Next Time, on How to Steal From Your Neighbors, we may or may not examine the hidden value of bolt-cutters.
Until then...re ipsa loquitor.
BP
The Internet is full of temptation.
And when a juicy article, think-piece or facebook post happens to roll into your digital periphery, grab your ever-discerning eye and get those wheels a-spin spin spinnin', how in the world could you possibly ignore the urge to make your thoughts public?
You saw something online, and you have an "opinion" on it. Now that you've hit the "Add Comment" button, you're ready to scratch that itch and give the Internet a piece of your mind.
But how?!? Where do you start? How do you offer a reaction that is truly stunning, that captures the reader's attention and makes an impression lasting for the next 10, 20 or even 30 seconds, maybe more??
If you're struggling to really strike a chord within the online comment community, and to trigger the vitriolic animus you truly deserve, follow these 5 easy steps:
1. Let the Headline Be Your Guide.
When you first spotted that provocative headline or catchy title scrolling past your thumb, as if to say "Hey you, dipshit! Fuck you, ya idiot!," you knew instantly how important it was to respond, and to do so before it was time to flush. You have something fresh, spicy and unrepentantly hateful to say, and you don't have much time before it escapes your mind 4ever.
When that not-so-rare opportunity arises, remember: Follow the Headline, Stupid! Wasting your time reading that ENTIRE 500 word article is exhausting, not to mention completely pointless. You won't understand it anyway! Besides. developing a well-formulated opinion based on the whole, and doing so considering the article's context, is well beyond your pay grade, particularly when you have a knee to get jerking NOW.
The Internet is about immediacy. Don't bother combing through an article that's probably loaded with flaws, bias and items that may affect or change your opinion in any way.
2. Develop an Angle.
Before writing your reaction, ask yourself: what angle do I want to take? For instance, if the headline centers on a celebrity, it may be a good idea to skew it with an anti-Hollywood bent. Begin your next comment with "Hollywood doesn't speak for..." or "So and so has so much money/fame/bad movies, who cares what she says about ANYTHING? She should keyp her mouth SHUT!"
If the headline revolves around a celebrity of a different color than yourself, maybe try the racist approach, something you can later deny as an anti-PC snowflake-triggering event (that's right! You were planning it all along! You don't have facist tendencies after all!). This is also quite cathartic for that inner racist you just can't seem to adequately release in public!
Whatever you're angle, make sure it's somewhat controversial, distasteful and doesn't touch on anything actually discussed in the article itself. Leave the thoughtful comments to the posers. After all, you don't want to look like a know-it-all, do you, ya PUSSAGINA NERD LIBTARD SNOWFLAKE HONEYPIE SANDWICH EATER??
3. Grammar Is For Suckers.
You're pretty sure you graduated high school, and grammar is SO beyond the pale, er uh pael, er, uh, whatever, who cares, AM I WRITE?/
You didn't need good grammar then, and you certainly don't need it now, what with the economy so great and everything. Remember, a "z" is certainly just as affective as an "ess", commas r for losers and capitalization sure didn't do you any justice back in geography class.
If you really want to get your point home, ignore all rules of written and verbal english. Those guyz are nazis anyway. No comment quite hits home as hard as that without punctuation or proper speling..
4. Stop, Drop and Roll Wit' It.
You almost completed a book on chemical warfare once, so roll with it. Sure it was only 30 pages, was heavily illustrated and involved superhero mutants, but hey, that shit's all based on something that really happened, or COULD happen, right? It's surely enough reason to claim, irrefutably, that you "KNOW WHAT THE HELL YOU'RE TALKIN' ABOUT, OK KID?"
Expertise is for smart-asses, and it tends to only get in the way of slapdash online commenting 101. Besides, your idiotic opinion still flies with your friends, and they're smart guys who always have your back...
Roll with it. If you think you know something about something, chances are good you have something well worth it to say in the online comments section. You're an authority. You're MORE than qualified. Don't hesitate to think it out or second guess yourself.
You KNOW that the terrorists are responsible, and now it's time to edumacate the Web-o-sphere on how best to wipe them out (Hint: it doesn't require a complex, comprehensive solution at all, man).
5. Rant Rant Rant Rant Rant Rant Rant Rant Rant rant
Nothing is quite as easy on the eyes, or as fun to read, as an unmitigated emotional diatribe located in the reply-to-comment section just beneath Comment #4. Don't be afraid to let your brain stem take control. The half-baked, expletive-laden rant is just what you need to establish your well-deserved online superiority.
We've all been there. Some smart ass thinks he's better than you, and is testing your resolve with that latest post. Well, you DON'T have to take it!
Get out yer guns and start blazin'! That typing board ain't gonna punch itself, now is it? Whenever you feel insulted or are made to feel the least bit insecure by a capricious online headline, comment or reply, the time to act is now. Something with no commas, periods or capitalizations, around 250-300 words, should more than suffice, and will definitely go a long way towards making an attempt at saying something that probably could have been a point but will instead just reflect how desperate for attention and a hug you really are as wel as to show you may be about to snap and start throwing staplers inthe ofice someday FUCK YOU I LUV THIS CUNTRY FRIGGIN RETARDS DON KNOW HOW MUCH IM GONNA FIND EM AND SHOW EM WAT MERICAA IS ABOUTU!
The End!
Next Time, on How to Steal From Your Neighbors, we may or may not examine the hidden value of bolt-cutters.
Until then...re ipsa loquitor.
BP
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